It's OK to die
by Copperflare
Summary: Who will cry the hardest, when I die? Who will go to my funeral? Natsume ponders about his approaching death and decides that only the behavior of one person really matters to him, and he must know how she will react soon. M X N
1. Red snow

A/N: I decided to try my hand at Gakuen Alice fanfictions this time. Man, this will be fun.

In this one shot, Natsume and Mikan are sixteen. Makes it easier to throw in the raging hormones XD

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Gakuen Alice.

* * *

**It's OK to die**

** 1.Red Snow**

**_When I die, will you cry?_ ****  
**

Valentine's day.

Cold, desolate and white. So pure, unlike what it truly meant.

For the past six years, my Valentines day wish was to let Natsume have another Valentines day together with everyone. Well, specifically_ myself_ but I'm not about to let anyone know that.

In other words, I wished that he could carry on living. Not many knew that Natsume was dying. So many times over the six years did I find him crouched on the floor, gasping for air. Each time, I'd rush to him only to see him stand up, albeit forcefully, and say 'I'm fine, Polka.'

A wish for his well being which should not exist.

Six years had given I plenty of time to change. A little quieter than before, but that was it.

I'm still Mikan and he's still Natsume.

A quiet, stoic voice came from behind.

"Mikan."

I grumbled grudgingly and got away from the window seat. "Happy Valentines, Hotaru." I greeted her best friend with her smile. "You're not using your perpetual heat stimulator?" I asked. "It's freezing!"

"Idiot." Hotaru replied. "I'm fully dressed. The stimulator doesn't work outdoors. Plus, it's not my fault if it's still snowing in February."

"Oh! You're going out?" Man, I was slow. "I'm going along!" I declared.

"I never said yes." Hotaru frowned. "But I guess you could come along. I need the extra help. A kitten tipped me off that Nogi would be visiting central town today to buy female accessories for the swans. I need new blackmail material."

"Hotaru, you're so mean! But that won't stop me from going!"

* * *

(Hyuga Natsume) 

"Are you sure you'll be fine?"

"Ruka, just _go_. I can deal with having no surveillance for one afternoon." I said with force.

Ruka wasn't convinced. That moron "I can't leave you alone in Central Town." He argued. "Plus, you just got out of hospital."

"Go!" I yelled. He wouldn't be happy if he couldn't buy his swans their presents.

Ruka sighed and mumbled a 'I'll see you later' before running off, leaving me to my thoughts.

Christmas was not white. Christmas, to me, was blue. Another reminder that the end of the year was coming soon. More crap for me to go through.

I looked up to the gray sky. I hadn't noticed that it was snowing but now that I did, I hated it.

I needed to go somewhere to seek shelter. The cold would put my weak body into hyperthermia mode and I wasn't ready to die.

* * *

(Sakura Mikan) 

I was an idiot, honestly. Central town wasn't even crowded and I'd lost Hotaru.

"Polka!"

I whirled around. _Natsume…_ I sighed. We were at the Sakura tree.

"Lost your friend?"

I sat down next to him. Poor guy, I thought. This was probably his last Valentines day. "You seem to be in a better mood today." I noted.

"The dark is coming for me." He whispered so low that I could barely hear. "I have to make them the best days while they still remain."

We were both silent for a while. The topic of death was a sensitive issue between us. See, we both loved each other but were just too stubborn to open up.

Abruptly, he started coughing harshly. I was getting used to it, but it still scared me senseless every time I saw it happen.

"Natsume!" I knew how I looked right now. Ugly ugly ugly, thanks to fear. He didn't look any better than me though. His face was pale, red eyes bloodshot and worse of all, he was sweating in the cold, harsh, winter. "I'll take you to the hospital." I put his arms around my shoulders and tried standing up.

"Hey, what the-" I yelled. A small fireball was formed at his hands but it died down almost immediately. I knew what he meant.

"Gee, I'll put you down, alright?" I grumbled. He was now gasping for air and his left hand never left his abdomen. His eyes were already beginning to tear up and I could see that he was chewing onto his lower lip.

Sadness marked my expression. "Just cry if it hurts, Natsume. We can't all be Superman everyday."

Natsume let out a small yell and fell on his back, still clutching his abdomen. Now I was panicking.

"I'll go get help!" I said, my legs shaking at the effort of standing up. Natsume couldn't be dying. Not now, not now!

"Don't go." He whispered. "I'm fine now." The fact that he still flinched didn't escape my eyes, as well as the fact that his face had sheen of cold sweat. Plus, he was still taking great pains to breathe.

I let out a sigh, mumbling to myself about stubborn patients.

Again, we were silent.

I wanted to talk to him. Know more. He had little time left to live this life…

"Darn." I muttered under my breath. "I'm crying already."

He nudged me lightly -I imagine the effort put behind it must've been huge- and put his head on my lap. "I want to lie here for a while. Don't cry too much, or else I'll get wet."

I gaped at him then smiled. "You're stupid."

"Whatever." But his expression was sad.

"You know," I began, then stopped. I didn't know what to ask him.

"If I died, would you cry?" he asked abruptly. I stared down at his eyes.

_Natsume is…dying? Natsume is dying so soon?_

"I don't want you to die." My voice broke. "I don't want that to happen!" I grabbed his hands. "If you died, everyone would be sad. Your friends, teachers, I would be devastated!"

He sat up. "Your wetting my hair, Mikan." His hands, still tightened around mine, turned, grabbed mine and he leaned in to kiss me.

"It's ok if I die, Mikan. I won't regret dying at all. As long as I know you're the one crying the hardest."

* * *

A/N: now that was…weird. 

I hope you show love love.


	2. Black will

A/N: I know the status said 'complete' and that it was going to be a one shot but heck. It was really fun to write the previous chapter so I'm just going to give it another one or two more chapters.

Let's hope it ain't gonna be that weird this time.

* * *

**It's OK to die**

**2. Black will**

**_When I die, what do I have left to give?_ **

I have never stopped believing that your life flashes past your eyes when you die since I was ten. To put it more accurately, since the first time I nearly died. The problem was that my life had been all but dark for ten years, until someone brought a little bit of light into it. All I saw was the pitch black nightmare but it had changed.

The light wasn't that bright before. It had always been an orange flame and up until recently it was a blue light. All I see now is a white light from afar.

Again, I'm floating around the dark. So I wasn't dead yet. I was dying.

_Natsume?_

I was distracted. I never had a voice in this limbo world before.

'Who are you?' I asked out loud. My voice didn't echo.

And then, I saw the voice. It took the form of an angel's wings and the bright white light was getting bigger and bigger.

It was engulfing the darkness.

So am I…dead?

Is this bright light called heaven?

No, I don't deserve heaven. I will only be bound to the Earth, until the day where everyone I love is at peace.

* * *

Typical cliché, huh? I wake up and find myself in the hospital. Obviously, I had no need to ask where I was out loud. Same lumpy pillows, same annoying beeping sound, and same needles in the same place. I cringed. There was an extra one leading a tube into my neck. Apparently, I was that dehydrated. Not to mention that there was now an oxygen tube stuffed up my nostrils (I had vehemently refused to put on the oxygen mask previously) and the aching of my wasting body was more apparent.

"Awake now, are we?"

Of course. "Imai." I greeted her. "How long this time?"

"Four days. Plus you had slight hyperthermia from harassing Mikan under that tree." She replied shortly. Normally she was a fucking cold creature but she looked somewhat annoyed.

"Angry?"

It was strange, our little friendship. We were both too alike each other and being friends with each other was just plain weird.

But we cared for the same people.

"These two have been sleeping for more than twelve hours." She said, indicating Ruka and Mikan, resting on her shoulders. "You owe me 200 rabbits for the nanny service."

I snapped. "I never asked you to take care of them!" she probably was sleep deprived but just too damn stubborn about leaving the two of them alone, probably worried that they'd do something drastic if I didn't wake up. I cringed for yelling. Needles that I weren't fully aware for demanded to be noticed.

She gave a really, really cold glare. We stayed that way for a while then both scoffed and looked away.

Then, the ice started melting.

She looked back at me. "You made these two cry a lot. Mikan, especially. If you make her cry again, I will make you pay."

I sighed. Guilty as charged.

"Looked Hyuga." She said sharply. "These few years have been hell for you and all you ever do is think about others. But for once, think of yourself. Your friends worry a lot about you and you wouldn't want to disappoint them." She frowned. "If you like Mikan then stop making Mikan worry about you."

"Your point, Imai?" I snarled. "If you have problems with how I live then scram!"

"I do not have issues with how you live. Mikan, on the other hand, does. It kills her, the way you're so willing to forsake yourself for 'their well being' when you don't even know whether that's what they want."

"What is your bloody point, Imai!" I yelled then immediately felt the pain hitting me hard.

She gave me a cool glare. "Don't leave Mikan with a bucket for her to cry her tears in when you die. Or anyone else, for that matter."

* * *

Whenever I cried in the past, Ruka would be there. He'd comfort me; tell me that everything was fine. Then when I felt pain from my physical illness, he'd be upset, saying that I didn't have to suffer alone.

Every time, I'd push him away to safety.

From time to time, Mikan would greet me with a smile. We used to talk under the sakura tree a little in the past, mostly with her talking. Later, when I knew I only had a couple of years left, I tried to ignore her. She'd feel sad, and then stalk off but always came back.

Every time, I'd shove her back to the light.

If a fangirl came up to me, I ignored them, gave them the cold shoulder. Despite this, they still lingered.

Every time, I'd burn them away to their rightful happiness.

Ultimately, I'm not good for anybody at all.

_Don't leave Mikan with a bucket for her to cry her tears in when you die._

Damn that Imai.

I knew everything. It was so clear that I didn't want them to remember me.

Nothing, huh? I sat up, feeling the wind. Fresh air for once. The hospital was such a suffocating place. The only redeeming quality was that I saw Mikan everyday.

She still felt guilty for letting me stay out in the snow with her.

I looked at the clock on the bed stand. Three p.m. So that meant that she would be coming in about five hours.

Five hours gave me a lot to think about.

What could I leave behind for the people I loved?

'_nothing at all_'

I scowled. Imai's voice filled my head.

_So that's how you think it is, eh? _I thought irritably. _All hope's not lost yet._

And so, I began on my list.

* * *

I wasn't satisfied.

About three hours had already passed, but I still came to the same conclusion as two hours ago.

I had nothing to give when I died.

So where do I start?

This wasn't easy!

I glared at the plate of cold food. They seemed to say 'eat me for energy to think of what to write!'

Stupid plate of broccoli.

I took a deep breath. Who were the ones I cared about the most?

Immediately, Mikan's face came to mind. I hissed, gripping the sheets.

_She cares too much for you, Natsume. Stop teasing her._

That voice sounded suspiciously like Ruka.

_You've fallen for Mikan, haven't you? Fallen for her hard, since you were ten._

And the last one sounded too much like my voice for comfort.

The people I cared about. Who were they?

I decided. They were all my classmates in the academy, but only a few mattered.

Ruka. Yoichi. Probably Imai, because she was actually understanding.

And Mikan.

* * *

I had made a will. It was so simple, I wished that I could actually give more.

"Natsume!"

She bounced into the room, cheerful. "The doctor said you could be released tomorrow!"

I smiled. "That's good." It felt good, smiling.

Mikan frowned. "But you look too pale."

"It's nothing." I hid my face while Ruka came in with Imai.

"Mikan, Nogi, out." She commanded. "I need a private word with Hyuga."

"But- Imai!" Ruka protested. I turned to the other side. What was she up to now?

"Here." My guess was that she showed Ruka another picture.

"Gee, Hotaru. You're mean." Mikan pouted. "Ok then! Don't kill Hotaru please!"

I sat up with difficulty. "What now, Imai!"

She gave me the same glare from this morning. "Your life may be over soon, Natsume."

"So!"

The corners of her lips turned up minimally. "You better let someone love you, before it's all too late."

She turned to leave the room.

"Wait!"

* * *

"Hey, Natsume?"

"Hn."

"What did Hotaru talk to you about just now?" she wondered, playing with her hair while she sat at the edge of my bed.

"It's none of your business." I replied coldly.

_You better let someone love you, before it's all too late._

"Just that," I whispered. "I never told you that I loved you before."

Her eyes widened. "Well, well. Um. Natsume?" she was blushing.

"What." My tone was cold but I had a smile on my face.

"Neither did I." she crawled towards me, and kissed me. "You won't die until I've said it as many times as I want to."

* * *

(Imai Hotaru)

"He's now in a coma." I told the class. "Brain damage."

I saw Mikan's face fall. She got up and started running towards the door.

"Mikan, don't." I ordered.

She turned around and looked like a mess. Tears flowing, eyes unhappy. I sighed. Hyuga owed me big.

I turned back to the class. "He left a will. I'll need to see Ruka, Mikan and Yoichi."

The three of them met me outside, glumly.

I stared at all of them.

"He wrote this will for the four of us." I said softly. "To read, in the event that he slips into a coma or dies. The doctor said that he may never-"

"Don't say it!" Nogi yelled. He was already crying.

Mikan looked worse. Her eyes were already red. Yoichi was upset.

"His will." I took out a piece of paper from my backpack.

* * *

To: Ruka, Yoichi, Imai and Mikan.

I never knew what friendship was. It was really just Ruka all my life and I knew that he'd stand next to me my entire life.

I never really knew what being a sibling was all about. Without Aoi, I didn't feel like I belonged to a family. Yoichi, you're my kid brother. I know we'll be siblings even without common blood.

I knew everything about enemies. The whole school treated me like an enemy, the whole village. But I never realized the truth about the other side. Hotaru, sometimes you treat people coldly, but that's because you love them. Enemies can be friends too.

I know the least about love. Just hormones, or raging emotions? I'd say none. I want to protect you all my life, Mikan, but that's clearly not possible. Love is, what consumed both of us. I am the world's biggest liar for I told you so many times that I did not love you. But even when I die, I'll find someway to keep myself in your mind. Because I am that selfish. You will love me only.

You better let someone know how much you love him or her, before the sky turns dark.

Ruka, I give you all my manga. It's what retained my memories of childhood.

Yoichi, I give you my alice controllers. Because you can't live forever but you die forever.

Imai, I give you permanent nanny-ship of these three. I know you can take care of them.

Mikan, I give you the Alice mask that I wore, pretending to be someone else. So that you will never forget me.

- Natsume

* * *

A/N: now that was even weirder. OH MAN I have exams and I'm doing this.

So I hope you'll show me plenty of love ).


	3. White vision

A/N: sorry I've been taking really long to update. Lifel's been a bitch and I have very major exams in October. (GCE O Levels)

OH and FYI, Natsume and Mikan did **not **do it in the previous chapter. Also, some of you said that you were confused over the last part in the previous chapter. What basically happened was that Natsume wrote a will the day before, gave it to Hotaru, who then read it out (aka the last bit).

Disclaimer: Gakuen Alice is not my property.

* * *

**It's OK to die**

**3. White vision**

_**When I die, will you do anything to make me come back?**_

(Sakura Mikan)

He was, the never ending well that wanted to hold everyone's troubles, and owed him thirty six overdue assignments.

So said Narumi-sensei.

According to Yoichi, he was the big brother to everyone- the type you could cry on for hours and hours and all he'd do would be to console you with his warmth.

He, in Tsubasa-senpai's opinion, hated the world so much that it consumed him.

Of course, he said it jokingly but that wasn't really the point, was it?

Ruka told me that he was trying to understand so many things- why I never gave up on him, why I smiled so much. He had the biggest of hearts around and could never stand watching his friends suffer.

Hotaru… well, all she said was that he was in love with my underwear, the pervert.

I think, Natsume's in love with me. I really do, even though he said it to my face. There's still this element of doubt but I do think he's in love with me. The kind of 'let's grow old together, just you and me, on the see-saw, L-O-V-E' love.

As for me? I am most definitely in love with him. Still is, and I'd like to think he still loves me too. As long as he's breathing, I can be sure that the mental capacity called Natsume loves me. So why, though?

Why did everyone speak in past tense when talking about him?

* * *

"Hey, Mikan."

Mikan Sakura looked up. A downcast Ruka had greeted her.

"Natsume's going to be fine." He said, assuring her. She turned her back against him.

Against him and the world.

While the students in the cafeteria buzzed about, sneaking glances at their table, they gossiped about the latest on the situation with the infamous Kuro-Neko. Some claimed that Natsume was infected with AIDS. Others had more accurate information and revealed how Natsume had left behind a will to his closest friends. And at the table Mikan sat at? All her friends were trying to make her eat, trying to cheer her up.

Hotaru, sick of watching Mikan mope around, slammed her hands onto the table, tipping over Koko's coke.

"If you stay that way, I won't bother helping Hyuga live." She said, evidently pissed off.

Upon her statement, Mikan looked up for the first time in many days. Everyone at the table winced, looking at how much she had changed within the week. Even though she was already skinny before, she looked positively anorexic now. Her face was gaunt, her cheekbones jutting out.

"What?" she whispered, her voice coarse. Her soft whisper was not missed by anyone at the table, as though they'd been listening closely, hoping to catch the sound of her voice.

Mikan's love for Natsume burned her.

"Yes, I can help Hyuga." Hotaru said irritably. "It will work, but I'm not sure how well it will. But I have a condition if you want me to help you."

Everyone expected the blackmail queen to demand a minimal fee of at least 5000 rabbits. Instead, Hotaru's face softened and she said "Smile. Eat. Don't give up. You love him, don't you?"

Mikan swallowed and nodded her head.

"Then don't give up on him."

* * *

"Are you sure he'll be fine, nii-san?"

Subaru Imai pushed his glasses up and looked into the eyes of his sister. "It seems that way. However, his physical illness is caused by his alice shape. I can't cure his alice shape, or lessen it's effects. So basically, as long as he controls the usage of his alice, he should be able to live for a healthy lifespan."

"That's good, right Mikan?" Ruka said, only to find that the girl was standing outside Natsume's door, watching him connected to the multiple tubes.

"Yeah," she whispered. "It's good."

"I should probably tell you this." Subaru sighed. "He's going to be blind. The brain damage affected one of the nerves. It might be temporary, or it might be forever. Just be there for him when he wakes up. I've moved him back to his bedroom so that he will have a familiar environment, at the very least. How long he takes to adjust is dependent on you."

Mikan smiled, knowing that Natsume would pull through. "And we can give up on his stupid will." She added, happy with how things became better.

"Hotaru, come." Subaru waved his sister forward. "I need to collect his prescription."

"I'll take you two there." Ruka offered, calling on his eagle mates to speed up their journey.

Now alone, Mikan hesitated, her hand hovering above the doorknob. Taking a deep breath, she entered the room.

* * *

(Sakura Mikan)

It made me sick, hearing the constant beeping of the machines that told me Natsume was alive. I took a seat next to him and placed my hand on his forehead. I supposed being blind was better than being dead, or in a coma. Thanks to Hotaru's brother, Natsume was out of the coma, alive, and possibly well.

Then, I could feel his head stirring. I quickly withdrew my hand from his forehead and he called out in a raspy voice.

"Polka?"

I grabbed his hands. "I'm here."

"I suppose I'm not in heaven, because it's so dark." His tone was dry. "At least I'm alive. But why didn't you turn on the lights? I can't see you."

"Natsume, the lights are switched on."

Then I realized what a stupid statement I had made.

The minute I'd said that, Natsume stumbled, landing on the floor. He started bawling, going into a state of shock.

"I- I can't see?" his voice was strained and tears were leaking from his eyes. Natsume went hysterical, pulling on his hair, groping around at the same time.

I had never seen him lose control before, and it scared me.

"Natsume. Natsume!" I reached out to grab his hands. "I'm here, relax."

"You don't understand, Mikan." He swallowed hard. "It's not about losing my vision. Before, I was engulfed in darkness, unable to see my life ahead of me. Then, you came, giving the light." His voice was a mere whisper by now. "And now, I can't see the light anymore. In this case, I wished I had died."

Natsume groped around once again and I held his hands. "How can you give up, just like this?" I yelled. "You're not giving up, you're not!"

We both sat on the floor, and eventually, I leaned back into his chest.

"At least, I know you love me enough to want me alive. Despite my wishes." He whispered.

* * *

A/N: I'm really, really sorry about the lack of updates. I may have to update in another 5 months (so sorry!!), because my O level examinations are coming and I need these 5 months to really, really focus. Man, the education system here is tough. Not to mention that my grades for certain subjects are hitting an all time low (gotta find a balance between subjects!) I have the Chinese paper earlier, on the 26th of May. Wish me luck

Of course, the 'review' factor will most definitely speed up that process of updating ) hint hint


	4. Note to all

**Hey everyone;**

Firstly, I'm really sorry for not updating for so long. I'm not sure who actually reads this story any more, but that's clearly besides the point.

In any case, I'm here to make some things known. I've been through several things since the last update of this story, both tears and joys. To put it simply, I could've lost a year of my life to the hospital bed and well, thank goodness I didn't have to. My perspectives have really, well, not changed per se, but have become a lot broader since then. My writing style is also slightly different, but nonetheless still the essence of me.

So those of you who have read the previous chapters know how cryptic and indirect this story is, so I was thinking of actually _rewriting _this story. I actually have a pretty clear idea of where this story is headed now, rather than being so messed up. I think, back then, I was pretty messed up myself and that translated into my work. _I would really appreciate your opinions on this._

Leave me a review to note me!

And to all those out there, struggling with their lives- there are people out there going through worse things. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not in any way saying that your pain cannot be compared to theirs. What I'm saying is, that there are people who _understand _(like me, sorry about the shameless self-promotion) and will be there to comfort you. _You'll never walk alone!_

_-_Copperflare (Fern)


End file.
